He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
