All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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