I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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