I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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