guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
