The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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