we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
