apparently the secret to your success is patron
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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