My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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