i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
