Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just want nice things and good sex
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Randomize
