Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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