my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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