I'm eating all of the evidence.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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