I faked an abortion last night.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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