Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
