genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
