Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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