Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
home. puking in laundry basket.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
