If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
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