I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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