Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Randomize
