im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
