I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
