its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
