And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
