I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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