Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
