cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My vagina is officially offended.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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