you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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