My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
