I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
