after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
