he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
