She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
