Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
