My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize
