My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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