I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
