Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
