So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
