I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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