highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
