I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
