I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
