two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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