enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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