if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
