I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
