Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
