Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
