god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
